When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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