my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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