Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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