im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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