he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
