my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
