I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
