Tell her she can't have a vagina
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
