did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
