I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
