It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
