There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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