True but thats because hes a fetus.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
