I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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