you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
