and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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