I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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