I like my sex mixed with concussions.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
