He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
