I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
