I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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