my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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