She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
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it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
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Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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