Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Bring me that man meat
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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