I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
