She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
