is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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