I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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