i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
