I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
