i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
