if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
