You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
