4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
