The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
