apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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