I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Randomize
