when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
