Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
