My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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