I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
