Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
