okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
