Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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