My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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