No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
