forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
