I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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