ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
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the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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