After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
