He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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