she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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